I’ve had a lot of aspirations the last year or so since I moved back to Colorado. The road has not been easy and I still have a long way to go. The past year and a half I’ve wanted to get back in shape, quit drinking, quit smoking, manage my money better, and build my bankroll up to something significant. Honestly, these goals have always been put on the back burner and I’m just starting to realize how much my mind has been “clouded”. In part to drinking but something else has been there that I didn’t quite expect.

Living in Florida was the best thing I ever did in my life. I have no regrets about it and I miss all the great friends I made while I was there. Luckily, I’m in a position to see them at least once a year. I found refuge there and I was able to escape a path towards destruction that some of the people around me were on. It took a while to adjust to being alone. I had no family, no friends, just me and my dog. I was shy but very outgoing once I got to know and trust people. I built strong relationships, was working out, and managed my finances well. The change of scenery is just what I needed. I finally felt independent at 22 years old. I accomplished my goal of getting out of debt and for the first time had good credit after 2.5 years of living there. Everything was going good; no everything was great but then the tide shifted. Something inside of me had changed.

I had quit caring. Caring about everything including myself. I missed my family and I was starting to realize that I might not be able to advance my career by staying. I’m not sure if my friends noticed or not, but I started to become extremely depressed. My once, almost arrogant, confidence from being a star athlete is almost non-existent. Here we are almost 3 years (?) later and I’m just starting to pull out of it. I missed my family but moving back home didn’t fix things. Aside from the time when I focused on paying off debt, I’ve always spent money carelessly. I promised to work out, but I sit here today the heaviest I’ve ever been. This rambling isn’t intended to be a downer though it seems to have taken that turn. I’ve just had some sort of revelation this week and I like it. I want to hold onto this new passion. This new drive that I’ve been trying to find for so long.

I started to work out this week and haven’t drank or smoked a cigarette so far. I haven’t had a desire to. The cloud is starting to clear and it’s almost as if I’m finding out who I am again. It’s pretty liberating. I know it’s only been a couple days but I feel great. I have this notebook that I always carry with me. I write down ideas in it and sometimes I forget about it for months. I came across a quote I wrote from Barry Greenstein’s Ace on the River, “How you handle issues in your life mirrors how you play poker”. It’s a great book and I plan on revisiting it while I’m on this path of personal growth. I guess the point is that sometimes I hate poker. Sometimes I hate life. Sometimes I get down on myself. When things don’t seem to be going your way, maybe it’s because you are going in the wrong direction. For now, I’m taking a step back and I’m going to look at what’s in the other direction. I know that these simple changes will help me in life and poker. When was the last time you asked yourself these questions?